Monday Night Raw
September 2, 2013
Des Moines, Iowa
We start directly inside the arena with OUR COO, Triple H who immediately introducses the WWE Champion Randy Orton. The Shield is at the end of the ramp. By the way, it was ten years ago today that Eric Bischoff handed the World Heavyweight Championship to Triple H. Go ahead, bitch. Orton says that since he’s shouldering the burden of the WWE and there can be no disrespect. He talks about Daniel Bryan defacing his Escalade last week on Raw, so Friday on Smackdown Orton took care of Bryan with help of the Shield. Orton wants to play a Q&A game with the audience. Orton asks “Should Daniel Bryan face me for the WWE Title at Night of Champions?” The YES chants abound..but Orton yells NO. The game continues and Orton pretty much buries Bryan and says he has no chance at Night of Champions. Triple H grabs the mike and says the WWE Universe are the most passionate fans in the business. Triple H says he has to worry about the health and well-being of the roster. Triple H blamed the fans for mixing up popularity and what’s good for business. He gives and example of Doink the Clown, who was loved by the audience but never deserved any WWE Title shots. It would have been bad for business. Daniel Bryan, according to the COO is in the same position. Triple H says he can compete for any goals, like the Cruiserweight or European titles. They can be brought back. That brings out our #1 contender Daniel Bryan. JBL says “Here comes our next Cruiserweight Champion.” That’s awesome, our new Jesse Ventura. Bryan says he loves being compared to Doink the Clown. Bryan says “The only clowns I see are the ones standing in the ring.” Bryan says those guys talk about giving up. Well Bryan says Triple H gave up when he cut his hair and became a corporate sell out. Bryan also questions Orton’s masculinity, as he’s more feminine than Stephanie McMahon. Orton says when will getting beat up sink into his head? Bryan says he’s been held back too long to give up now. Bryan says Orton will never understand because he was given everything. Triple H says Bryan is an “angry little troll” who is doing all this himself. However Triple H says Bryan is misdirected in his anger, it’s Big Show. Huh? Big Show has an “iron clad contract” so he can’t get fired but he doesn’t help Bryan. So tonight Daniel Bryan can take his frustrations out on the Big Show. That came out of nowhere. Triple H and Randy Orton are the new Two Man Power Trip. Except Orton is no Steve Austin. Still, this works and the feud continues to percolate.
Backstage Orton and Triple H are giggling together when they walk by Cody Rhodes. They dispense with pleasantries and Cody tells Orton that he and Daniel Bryan would be great for business. Triple H says Cody’s opinion means nothing and then breaks Cody’s balls about not being invited to his wedding. Triple H says he will give Cody a gift tonight anyway, and that’s a match with Randy Orton. Cody says that’s a great opportunity, and Hunter says yes it is. However, he says in no uncertain terms, if Cody loses he’s fired.
MATCH: Fandango vs. The Miz
There’s a guy in the audience in Des Moines that looks an awful lot like a fat Sheamus. Maybe he should lay off the potatoes while he’s healing. He’s right at the end of the ramp in the front row. I think Miz is a bigger douche as a babyface than as a heel. I would prefer him joining HHH and Orton’s crew if he’s going to stay on camera. Otherwise take a vacation. Typical TV fare, then Miz wins with the Figure Four. Ugh, so pathetic. WINNER: The Miz
Backstage Daniel Bryan is warming up when former Smackdown GM Booker T walks over. Daniel blows him off but Booker stops him. Booker says fighting the establishment here isn’t the best strategy. Booker says you can make a boatload of money here or you can main event gyms and armories. Booker recommends he gives up his rematch at Night of Champions. Daniel is stunned and says this is about his life. Booker says wake up, because Daniel’s life can be destroyed. The power doesn’t stop at this arena.
We get a look back to last week when CM Punk took a pretty brutal beatdown at the hands of Paul Heyman at Curtis Axel.
MATCH: Dolph Ziggler vs. Ryback
Raw GM Brad Maddox said on the WWE App that Dolph has an opponent but he wasn’t sure who it would be. Dolph waited and Ambrose jumped in from behind. He beat Ziggler down, and then out came Ryback to pick the bones. I thought he was about to turn face, and the crowd started popping too but that wasn’t the case. JBL is awesome and his finally being full blown heel to Cole’s babyface and Lawler’s…well he repeats whatever Cole says. He’s become pretty useless. Except for a drop kick, Ryback kicked the crap out of him, thanks to Ambrose’s earlier beatdown. WINNER: Ryback
Triple H and Stephanie are backstage and Brad Maddox comes in to say that Big Show won’t wrestle Daniel Bryan tonight. Stephanie says he’ll handle this, publicly. Is she going to, well you know do what she did when she ran The Alliance? I don’t know if Hunter would like that.
Our first vignette of the night for Los Matadores. They get Tito Santana as their manager and they will be the greatest tag team in the company.
Stephanie McMahon comes out and says she wants to introduce someone who helped her along the way. That’s the Big Show. He comes out and says that it’s ok to do things you don’t want to do if you are willing to pay the price. Stephanie was 12 when Big Show helped her. How can that be? She was 12 in like 1987 or something. Big Show was in grammar school. Big Show looks like he’s going to cry. Stephanie says that Big Show is broke, and if he doesn’t wrestle he will be in breach of contract. Stephanie says there aren’t any 7 foot 500 pound actors are gas station attendants. She also says giants don’t live as long as other people. This segment is terrible. She bullies (with kindness) that he must wrestle tonight. He keeps wanting to cry. Didn’t they use this on Shawn Michaels a few years ago? Wow how pathetic. Seriously, this is awful.
Edge on Raw next week! Hell yeah!
During commercial Big Show was slamming stuff. I would too if I got stuck in that shitty promo.
We get a tutorial on how to download the WWE App. Maybe Big Show can work for wwe.com!!! Or be a camera guy on Total Divas!!!
MATCH: 3MB vs. Primetime Players
It will be Heath Slater and Jinder Mahal working for the Band. I’m sorry, I still can’t get over that terrible Big Show segment. I’m more than thrilled with the Era of the King. Leave the Queen at home. It’s been a pretty good match with a lot of action with the PTP wins with Titus’ finisher. They will win the WWE Tag Team Titles. Guaranteed. WINNER: Primetime Players
Back from break and Brad Maddox is on the phone when Paul Heyman walks in. Paul’s in a bad mood because of Brad. Last week Brad let the WWE Universe choose Paul’s fate. That would end badly. Now at Night Of Champions Paul says it’s a guarantee that CM Punk will get his hands on him. Triple H then walks in and shoos Brad away. Paul was about to yell but instead respectfully inquires why Triple H booked this match at NOC. Hunter says he’s respected Paul Heyman weaseling his way out of precarious positions, but now at NOC we will get what’s good for business. So there HHH is a babyface. He’s on almost every segment. Superb! That’s good for business.
We now head to the backwoods where Bray Wyatt talks about Icarus and making foolish mistakes. I’m not going to even attempt to decipher this promo, but it involves what happened to Kane. It’s an awesome promo at that, but head to wwe.com and watch it.
MATCH: Cody Rhodes vs. Randy Orton
If Cody loses, he’s fired. So if he loses he’s either rehabbing an injury or taking time off for his honeymoon. That kind of stipulation adds drama to the match, so the crowd is extra juiced for it. The match is really good between former Legacy members. The match goes back and forth as Cody’s name is being chanted loudly. Cody goes for a moonsault but Orton ducks out of the way and gets a close 2 count. Orton goes for the RKO but Cody reverses into Cross Rhodes but Orton kicks out. Out of nowhere Orton hits an RKO and gets the 3 count. Orton can’t lose many matches from here on out if they want this title reign to mean anything. WINNER: Randy Orton
Triple H comes out and says he has heart and he respects Cody Rhodes. However Triple H says this company needs winners, and his personal opinions can’t cloud his business judgment. So, he fired him. This is a great way to get Cody over as a big time babyface, which is what he needed. He limps up the ramp to “Thank You Cody” chants.
Back from break and the announcers talk about what happened to Cody. With that, out comes the #2 babyface in the company (behind Daniel Bryan) and that’s CM Punk. He comes out with a kendo stick in his hand. CM Punk has never promised anyone anything in this business but he does promise that there will be no empty promises. Punk talks about last week’s beatdown with said kendo stick. He’s says he’s ready to compete tonight but wrestling is the furthest thing from his mind. Tonight he says he wants to fight Paul Heyman. Punk says he’s in such a dark place, he wouldn’t fight himself right now. He mentions the “biblical ass beating” that will go down at Night of Champions. He talks about all the signs from fans saluting him, then the CM PUNK chants get loud. Punk says in 13 days at NOC he’s going to get past Curtis Axel and he guarantees he will get his hands on Paul Heyman. Punk says “Last week Paul Heyman says I broke his heart. Well at NOC, I will break his face…I promise.” The promos just keep getting better. Punk is on fire right now. Not that he never was before, but now he really is on fire.
We get another look at last week’s beatdown by Heyman and Axel on Punk.
Back from break and Daniel Bryan is still in the locker room when Big Show walks over. Show says he wanted no part of this fight. Bryan says he has to do what he has to do. Show says its getting very real in this place, did you see what happened to Cody Rhodes? Bryan doesn’t care and will win tonight. Wow that was kinda heel.
#1 CONTENDER’S MATCH: Naomi vs. Natalya vs. Brie Bella
The winner faces AJ for the Divas Title somewhere down the line. AJ comes out before the match. Is AJ kind of turning face here? She should, because everyone (except Ben Morse and Jen Engle) hates the Bellas. Haha AJ says “They’re petty and too dumb to know this business.” She’s awesome. Some people gave her crap last week because it was a fake “pipebomb” but she said what we all thought of these girls. Maybe except Natalya. AJ runs in and the whole thing ends in a mess. If they somehow turn the Bellas babyface I’m going to throw up. WINNER: No Contest
The other three beat the snot out of AJ and left her in the ring.
Vingette #2 for Los Matadores.
MATCH: Rob Van Dam vs. Damien Sandow
I like Ricardo Rodriguez, but his introducing of RVD is awkward at best. It just doesn’t fit. RVD is so over right now he should just win at NOC against Del Rio. I know RVD is here to put guys over and put on good matches, but he should just win the title, if just for a couple of months. RVD was working Sandow over when Alberto Del Rio comes out in a suit. He hasn’t done that in a while. Del Rio stands on top of the ramp while Sandow gains momentum. This match is pretty good, and RVD makes another guy who’s usually hit or miss look like a million bucks. RVD hits the Froggie and gets the victory. WINNER: Rob Van Dam
On the WWE App the divas in the match are bitching to Stephanie McMahon, who decides to make the Divas Title match at Night of Champions a Fatal Four Way. YAAWWWNNN.
We see Cody Rhodes get fired again, and now live he’s escorted out of the company. He cuts an awesome promo about how the McMahons have always hated the Rhodes and he talks about his dad set Florida on fire and Vince put him in polka dots. Dustin Rhodes was a second generation stud. He’s put in gold paint and hasn’t been the same since. Incredible promo.
MATCH: Daniel Bryan vs. Big Show
The entire WWE roster is on the stage again. I hope this becomes standard, it makes Triple H even more of an awesome asshole. Show doesn’t want to fight but Bryan keeps kicking him. Big Show looks like he’s going to stand there and take it, and then he boots Bryan in the face. He works Show over and then tells Bryan he doesn’t want to. Bryan won’t stop but Show keeps pleading. So Show’s had enough and starts fighting back. Bryan gets back to the boots and it becomes an actual match now. Show decks Bryan and then tries to leave the ring, but Triple H comes out with the Shield and tells him to fight. Show pretty much says Fuck off and walks away. So Triple H has the Shield beat Bryan down. WINNER: No Contest (I guess)
Show jumps back in gets berated by Triple H. He forces Show to watch The Shield power bomb Daniel Bryan. Then Triple H orders Show to knock Bryan out. He won’t, and Triple H threatens him. He walks out and Stephanie then comes out, she mentions his family.again. Someone just yelled “Punch Stephanie”. That’s awesome, but sadly they’ll never have the balls to pull that off. So Big Show gets back in the ring and knocks Bryan out, still blubbering. Show, Stephanie and Triple H leave the ring. Out comes Randy Orton, who gets in the ring, stares at a prone Daniel Bryan and puts his boot on his chest. He holds the belt up proudly as we go off the air.
SCOTT’S TAKE: Three straight weeks of Daniel Bryan getting pummeled. I’m loving it. This is how you matriculate a storyline. The promos of the night were CM Punk and Cody Rhodes. Keep it up, King of Kings.